I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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