I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
