i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
