thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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