Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
