Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize