i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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