she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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