On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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