all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
