a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
