i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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