I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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