You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
