mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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