we're blogging at a bar
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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