im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
