it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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