im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
