If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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