so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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