he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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