She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
