im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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