a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
where are my eyebrows?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
