Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
