She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
