I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
