I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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