did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
