I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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