Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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