im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
