my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
