I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
