god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
