She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
