Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
