I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
