Apparently you make a good broom.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
