im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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