someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
