I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
