On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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