stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
