I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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