I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i barfeds in our rink
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
