a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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