"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
