nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
