party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
