I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
