Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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