I could make wine with my vomit
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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