Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
