I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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