All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
i love accidental penises.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
