I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I believe in your delicious
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
