The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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