if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
