So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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