you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
